Everything you wish you’d known before you bought your kids their first screen
(The following is an excerpt from Jonathan’s brand-new book, Parenting Generation Screen)

“Dad, can I have the keys to the SUV?”

This question doesn’t sound unusual—unless it comes from your ten-year-old.

Picture it. Your daughter walks into the room and says, “Dad, I’d like the keys so I can drive over to pick up my friends and then go meet a bunch of guys we’ve never met before and see what happens.”

How would you respond?

The answer is pretty clear. I don’t know a parent who would give their ten-year-old this kind of freedom.

But the majority of parents do . . . when they give their child a phone.

Don’t feel bad if you’ve already handed your kid a smartphone. Most moms and dads didn’t have a clue about the dangers when they did that. In fact, most parents I meet at my parenting workshops tell me that the whole reason they gave smartphones to their kids was to keep them safe.

“I just wanted them to be able to call me in case of an emergency.”

“This way I can connect with them at all times.”

“My kids are in sports and need to call me for a ride home.”

I honestly think these parents’ intentions were pure. They just had no idea that they were “throwing the keys” to their ten-year-old. So for whatever reason, most of us have given our kids a device with potential far beyond what we ever would have predicted.

Like the mom of a kid I’ll call Christine. She approached me at one of my parenting workshops after everyone else had left. I’d seen her standing off in the distance, noticeably anxious.

“Can I ask you a question?” she asked.

“Sure.”

“It’s about my daughter, Christine.”

“How old is she?” I asked.

“Thirteen. And she currently isn’t allowed to use her phone. I’ve taken it away.”

“When did she first get a phone?”

“A year ago. But I told her no social media or any of that bad stuff.”

“How’d that work out?”

“It didn’t.” She answered candidly. “She downloaded some social media app I didn’t even know about.”

“Did you have any parental controls set on her phone?”

She hung her head. “No. I didn’t know how to do that.”

“I totally understand,” I offered in an attempt to comfort her. “It’s hard to keep up today. So what happened?”

“She met some guy who told her everything she wanted to hear, and she’d talk with him until all hours of the night.”

“How old did the guy claim he was?” (Keyword: claim.)

“Seventeen.” She answered. “He said he went to our local high school. She’s homeschooled.”

Finishing her story for her, I said, “But you found out he wasn’t a teenager at all, right?”

“Yeah.” She looked at me with the “How did you know?” expression I usually see at my parenting workshops.

“So did he ask for a nude?” Again, I noticed the “How did you know?” look. “I ask because this happens all the time,” I explained. “You’re not alone. I’ve heard stories like yours from moms all over the country.”

“Yes,” she replied, answering my question about the nude photo. “He did.”

“And did she send him a pic?”

The mom looked down. “Yes. Her . . .” She struggled for words. “Her top.”

“And everything changed once she sent the pic, right?”

“Yes. He started insisting they meet, or else he would show the photo to everyone.”

“So did she meet up with him?”

“She set up a time, but then she told her friend, who told her mom, who in turn told me. We called the police. They’re still trying to find him.” She wiped away a single tear trickling down her cheek. “They don’t tell you this stuff when you buy your kid a phone.”

“No, they certainly don’t.”

The next week, another mom approached me after one of my workshops on the opposite side of the country.

“So how can I get my son to stop playing video games literally all day?” she asked.

“How long does he typically play?” I probed.

“During the school year, he plays from the time he gets home until late at night. Homework is an afterthought. In the summer, it’s even worse. He wakes up at noon and picks up his controller before his feet hit the floor. If we don’t call him down for dinner, he won’t leave his room at all until he quits playing after midnight.”

“Have you tried limiting his game time?” I asked.

“Yeah. But we found that he just sneaks it in when we’re at work or at his sister’s gymnastics. We’ve tried to take him with us, but he just complains and makes us all miserable. I hate to admit it, but it’s just easier to let him stay in his room and play his stupid games.”

And then she said it.

“I wish I’d known this before I bought him that stupid game system.”

A few weeks later, twelve hundred miles away, another mom pulled me aside and asked, “How do I convince my daughter that her grades still matter, even if she wants to be a social media influencer?”

“What platform does she use?” I asked. “YouTube? TikTok?”

“YouTube. She posts a weekly vlog and has about nine hundred followers. She read an article somewhere that you only need five hundred to be an influencer. She’s scrapped her plans to become a teacher and wants to be a full-time influencer now. She won’t even look at college applications.”

“You’re not alone,” I assured the mom. “Eighty-six percent of young people want to be an influencer of some sort today.⁴ But less than one-twentieth of one percent are able to do it full-time.”

Then she said it.

“The salesman doesn’t tell you this stuff when you’re buying your kid her first device.”

A month later, in my home state, a dad asked me, “What do you do when you discover your son looking at inappropriate pictures in his room late at night?”

“Does he always have his phone in his bedroom?” I asked.

“Not now. But when I took it away, I caught him again, this time with an old phone that wasn’t even activated. We didn’t remember he still had that phone.”

“Yeah, old phones or tablets can still connect to Wi-Fi even if they don’t have an active data plan. I constantly hear parents telling me stories of kids using old devices in their bedrooms.”

And then I heard it again: “How come no one tells you this stuff?”

That’s exactly why I wrote Parenting Generation Screen.

It’s Not Too Late
It’s true. No one tells you this stuff when you’re buying your kids their first screens for Christmas. And kids aren’t required to learn anything about becoming screenwise before they get a device. Most parents just throw their kids the keys.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Parents can do something to protect their children. And no, the answer isn’t banning your kids from screens until they’re adults and out of the house. Far from it.

But at the same time, you don’t need to “throw the keys” to your ten-year-old.

Consider Christine for just a moment—the true story I shared earlier about a thirteen-year-old girl whose mom ended up taking away her phone. If Christine’s mom had a do-over, I know she would rethink her parenting decisions and would probably handle the following issues differently:

1. Christine’s mom chose to give Christine a phone at the age of twelve, while most experts advise parents to wait until their kids are older and a little more mature. (We’ll cover this in detail in chapter 3.) Christine’s mom didn’t know this. In fact, Christine was one of the last kids in her church youth group to get a phone. The pressure was on. So her mom finally caved and bought her a phone. She threw her twelve-year-old the keys.
2. Christine’s mom told Christine, “No social media or any of that bad stuff,” but she never enforced the rule. So it wasn’t long before Christine cheated and got on social media. A lot of parents allow young kids to use social media, such as Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter, but are unaware that kids under thirteen can’t even download those apps without lying about their age. (More on that in chapter 3.) Kids under thirteen shouldn’t be on social media, period. At least Christine’s mom said no to social media, but . . .
3. She didn’t set any parental controls. Christine was free to do whatever she wanted with her device. Imagine if her device were a car. She’d be free to drive as fast as she wanted, seat belt off, radio blasting, friends hanging out the sunroof—with no cops patrolling the roads. (We’ll talk more about helpful parental controls in chapter 8.)
4. She didn’t set limits. Christine’s mom said that Christine was talking with this guy “until all hours of the night.” That’s a lot of hours. We live in a world where teens average nine hours and forty-nine minutes a day soaking in entertainment media, including seven hours and twenty-two minutes of screen media.⁶ But almost every expert out there recommends that parents limit screen time to some degree, especially social media. Yes, there has been a lot of debate about this topic, with overreactions on both sides, but you’ll discover that almost all experts agree on a few undebatable guidelines about screen time—including that endless access to social media throughout the night should definitely not be allowed. (More on screen time in chapter 6.)
5. She allowed Christine to have the phone in her bedroom at night. Christine wasn’t just clocking the hours on her phone; she was clocking “after hours” when she was supposed to be sleeping. That means she was one of 79 percent of young people who keep their phones in their bedrooms every night,⁷ even though every mental-health professional would say this is a very bad idea. (We’ll talk more about the effects of allowing phones in the bedroom in chapter 4.)
6. Christine’s mom never told her daughter what predatory behaviors look like. So Christine wasn’t suspicious when a stranger direct-messaged (DMed) her, asking all the right questions while avoiding FaceTime or other platforms where she could see him in real time. She wasn’t even alarmed when he asked her to send a “nude” and eventually meet in person. This guy was following the predator’s handbook word for word, but Christine didn’t know how to recognize predatory behaviors. (We’ll talk about these in detail in chapter 7.)
7. Christine had no idea any of these things would happen, because her mom never talked with her about them. Even if her mom had set every boundary and parental control available (remember that Christine was a very sheltered homeschool kid), the decision about how to use social media was ultimately Christine’s. Rules won’t raise your kids. You actually need to teach them discernment so they can make decisions on their own. (We’ll flesh this out throughout the book.)

It’s not too late for Christine and her mom. The two of them are starting over. Her mom is waiting awhile before returning Christine’s phone. In fact, they’re now meeting for breakfast once a week, reading my book The Teen’s Guide to Social Media and Mobile Devices together, and talking about real-world issues, including what Christine is posting, whom she’s friending, and what she’s streaming. Christine’s mom is balancing boundaries and bonding. She’s not just enforcing rules; she’s also being proactive by engaging Christine in meaningful conversations about stuff that matters.

Are you?

Would you like some help…parenting Generation-screen?

 

Get the book people are talking about: Parenting Generation Screen

In a world where the average age kids get their first smartphone is just 10-years-old, parents are struggling to keep up with their children’s interaction with screens. Parenting Generation Screen gives moms and dads the tools they need, not only to provide healthy screen limits, but also to engage their kids in ongoing conversations about becoming screen-wise.
Doug Fields
Author of Intentional Parenting

I think I will keep a stack of Jonathan’s Parenting Generation Screen in my car to hand to parents I dialogue with each week . . . because it deals with the exact issues they ask me about: When do I give my kids a phone? Should I let them have it in their bedroom? How much social media is too much? I love the wisdom and practicality Jonathan brings to his books . . . and wish I had this one five to ten years ago!
Shaunti Feldhahn
Best-selling author of For Women Only and For Parents Only