This week I’m speaking to parents about teens, screens and self esteem, and I’m opening it up for questions at the end. I can always predict certain questions during this time: what age should I get my kid a phone? What if I already got my kid a phone and regret it? And this week I know I’m going to hear this one:

Should I let my kids use Lemon8?

Apps come and go, but Lemon8 seems to be making quite a dent. It’s another app from Tik Tok’s parent company ByteDance, and it’s exploding in the app store, one of the top apps downloaded as I write this. Social media influencers describe the app as if “Instagram and Pinterest had a baby. The question is… is this for your kids?

First, let’s talk in broad strokes.

• If your kids are 8, 10 or 12, then this decision is made easier if you delayed getting your kids a mobile device in the first place, and especially delaying social media until your kids are in high school, something researchers overwhelmingly agree about.
• If your 12-year-old or even your 15-year-old wants to download the app, one of the first steps signing in for the first time will be to enter their age, and Lemon8 currently requires young people to be at least 18 to use the app.

But often we don’t know these facts (particularly the latter of the two) when we first learn about our kids’ interest in a particular app. Maybe we overhear them talking about it with their friends on the way home from soccer practice, or if you have certain controls on your kids’ phones that require them to ask you permission to download apps, maybe they just quickly ask you, “Mom, I want to download Lemon8. It’s super tame. Everyone has it. Can you just enter the password so I can download it.” (Is it just me, or do your kids often try to use the Jedi-mind-trick when asking you a question? These aren’t the droids you’re looking for. Move along.)

Here’s where you have an opportunity to use a phrase that might prove helpful whenever your kids ask if they can download an app, watch a movie, go to a concert… anything. When the question is, “Mom, can I….?” Memorize this response:

“I don’t know. Let’s check it out together.”

I find that this phrase is extremely helpful for several reasons:

• You’re admitting you have no idea, but you’re willing to learn.
• You’re laying out a process that reveals that you won’t be making hasty decisions, an uniformed “yes”, or even a premature “no.”
• Instead of just enforcing a decision, you’re getting to the reason behind the decision. You’re getting to the “why” behind the yes or the no.

Your kids might not be thrilled with this response. It means sitting down and talking with you. But if sitting and talking might get them to the “yes” they want… they might be more willing than you think.

So sit down with them and Google the question at hand, in this case, maybe something like, “Is Lemon8 safe for kids?” Or “Lemon8 Parental Concerns.”

After a minute of searching you’ll usually be able to hone in on some article from someone at PluggedIn.com or CommonSenseMedia.org who provides you with some insight into what the app offers, both good and bad. With Lemon8 you’ll quickly discover that the app does allow nudity and explicit content “for artistic purposes.” Maybe that’s why you have to be 18 to download the app. But this search will also help you explore key issues like:

• Who does this app connect you with?
• Do others see how many LIKES or FOLLOWERS you have?
• Honestly, do LIKES and FOLLOWERS create a pressurized environment to get more of each?
• Do you have control who sees your posts and whether or not your location is seen?
• Does this app allow strangers to message you?
• Is the content filtered, or is it just what anyone in that age demographic (in this case- over 18) feel like posting?
• How does this app make you feel about yourself?

“I don’t know, let’s check it out together,” isn’t a cure-all, but it typically springboards conversation about some of these key issues many kids are navigating on their own in the world of social media. Wouldn’t it be nice if someone was having this conversation with your kids?

I know, I know… the timing can sometimes be terrible. You’re tired, you just got home from work, you’ve got 20 things on your plate and your kids comes up demanding a quick yes or no. Sometimes the temptation is to just give them what they want. It’s at these moments you need to have already thought through the answer to this question: which do you think helps your kids learn how to make good choices on their own… a simple yes or no… or a conversation about the why?

A conversation about Lemon8 will probably lead to a no for your 13-year-old and your 15-year old, just on the basis of age-verification alone. But the dialogue you have in the meantime could be priceless.

Who knows what the next question might be… “Mom can I watch this new show on Netflix?” “Dad, can I play the new Call of Duty?”

Maybe a good time to try: “I don’t know, let’s check it out together.”